This is Why Valentine’s Day is Pure Evil

Picture: Romina Danell for Finland Today

Picture: Romina Danell for Finland Today

Love is in the air, everywhere I look around – but only around the 14th of February. Other than that, it doesn’t really matter whether it’s love or rain or snow that is in the air.

Writing a hate-piece on Valentine’s Day is already almost more cliché than Valentine’s Day itself. Therefore, let’s not simply hate this concept – let’s analyze why it is not only not a loving one, but actually pure evil.

Thinking back to when it all began might be the first hint on the fact that Valentine’s Day is not about Love at all. It’s about Death. Fine, the martyr called Valentinus did die in the name of love while trying to hook up people forever even though they were not supposed to do that – but that should have been the first hint on nothing coming without a price. Romanticism later generously established a version without killing Christians; and sending handwritten notes to your secret love might have been indeed a bit closer to the love- than the hate-end of our emotions-continuum. But that was just a brief intermezzo.

By now, the whole concept has not only evolved into a commercial mass-production and -exchange of meaningless “gifts,” it even managed to twist people’s minds and foment jealousy, envy and hatred. Shortly before Valentine’s Day is approaching, the population is split into three main camps: The singles. The couples. And those lucky bastards who generally and genuinely never give a heck (they are, by the way, my everlasting secret role models).

The singles pretend to not care, and secretly feel lonely and unloved. They do hope, until the very last minute of the 14th of February has passed, that someone, anyone, even if only accidentally, will send them at least a cheesy e-card. But deep inside they know it’s not gonna happen anyways. They don’t go to bed any lonelier than the rest of the year, but it does seem to be an issue suddenly, when otherwise it is not.

The couples also usually pretend they don’t care. Or at least one of them pretends, and one of them actually doesn’t. You can already smell the conflict here, can’t you? Right. Let’s not dig any deeper.

The singles pretend to not care, and secretly feel lonely and unloved. They do hope, until the very last minute of the 14th of February has passed, that someone, anyone, even if only accidentally, will send them at least a cheesy e-card.
Picture: Tony Öhberg for Finland Today

Picture: Tony Öhberg for Finland Today

The odd thing is, even though you know Valentine’s Day is an idiotic concept, the capitalist producers manage to suggest you to feel otherwise. You do want this stupid flower from your boyfriend, even though you told him you don’t care about the day, even though you know it means nothing when he just buys it because he has to. Actually, even though you really don’t care about flowers from guys. Have you ever gotten flowers from a guy? Doesn’t it feel pretentious and weird, as if he’s trying to play a role he considers important to be played, or trying to fit into an image he thinks you have about romance? Or, in the worst case, he buys them because he did something bad.

I have gotten flowers from guys, and I never liked it. I have, however, gotten flowers from friends, and it was awesome. I like flowers. I sometimes buy them for myself. But what I like most is probably the thought behind the gesture: Someone wants to see me smile. No strings attached. Doesn’t really work when it’s coming from a man, sorry to be so blunt. And it most definitely doesn’t work when they come to you on a day they are also delivered to 90% of the rest of the population. So there you go, you are unhappy no matter what: with or without flowers (you may replace the flowers in this hypothetical but very realistic scenario with chocolate/candy/a diamond ring/a Porsche).

I have gotten flowers from guys, and I never liked it. I have, however, gotten flowers from friends, and it was awesome.
Picture: Tony Öhberg for Finland Today

Picture: Tony Öhberg for Finland Today

“But Valentine’s Day in Finland is Friend’s Day!” you might wanna protest now. Ha, that’s what they want you to believe! But honestly, why do you need a day to remember to be nice to your friends? Usually, this is self-evident. Oddly even more so than being nice to your partner – at least I get the necessity to invent such a day for couples, yes! And, as I just stated, the momentum of surprise is one of the biggest supporters for making someone happy.

Also, it is way more likely that you find something to surprise your friend with on one of the other 364 days of the year, and not exactly around the day when the shops are flooded in pink and red heart-shaped redundancies. Last but not least, also in equality-praising Finland with their ystävänpäivä instead of a Valentine’s Day, the idea is to write small notes to the one you secretly like. Doesn’t sound like a proper friend zone to me, to be honest! Anyways, as chances are high you already hooked up a couple of times with the one you “secretly” like, stalked their Facebook and sent creepy WhatsApp messages at 3 am, a small note would probably be very unnecessary after all.

So while we are getting annoyed by all the love all around us, by the reminders that we got none of it/our partner is a grumpy unromantic Grinch, and by the envy we feel for those lucky ones who don’t give a heck, someone out there is rubbing his hands with glee because his evil plan worked.

I am pretty sure it’s Old Valentinus because he realized how stupid it was to die in the name of someone else’s love.